The Reluctant American

One spring day when the world was green and the grass was still, a shepard boy sat outside a cave tending his flock. Suddenly from inside the cave came the loudest shouting and screaming and drumming the boy ever heard. In defence of the flock, the boy crept quietly into the cave to confront whatever the menance was. There, seated in a beanbag chair amoungst two pair of quad speakers was an American!

"Hello, American", said the boy sheepishly, "I just wanted to see what was making all the noise. Where did you come from?"

"A long way from here, where all the other Americans live - but I had to get away from them you know.."

"why was that?"

"You know how Americans are, always chasing after money and then being chased by lawers, doctors and their own government. Me - I prefer a simple life and besides, the dope's alot better out here"

"I'm not sure what the village will think about you", mused the boy. "They'll probably say you're a cur and a pest and an infidel. You sir, are a enemy of the Islamic race."

"Woah - what a pile of crap!", huffed the American. "I don't have a single enemy in the entire world..."

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"THERE'S AN AMERICAN IN THE CAVES!!", shrieked the town crier.

"Americans shoots people's heads off!", gasped a femine voice from somewhere inside a black silk shawl.

"I'll say", wheezed an old man from beneith his grizzly white beard. "They shoots yer head off and then blows the rest of you up whole. Arms, legs, body - all with 1 bomb..."

"Fear not brothers", the Iman reassured the crowd. "I've sent for the very best American fighter there is. Three cheers for Osama Bin Laudin!"

"Praise Allah!!", shouted the crowd.

Later that evening as the village celebrated, Osama had shut himself away in solitary vigil, preparing himself for the battle to come. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.

"I've come to see you about the American", said the boy.

"Is he really 45 foot tall and does he spit acid slime and shoot laser beams from his eyes?", asked Osama.

"Not at all.", said the boy. "He's a good American. A kind American. He even smokes the same brand of dope that you do. I'll bet the crowd told you how you'll win in the cause of right and honor. Just now I overheard them betting six to four on the American..."

"What a sad world", moaned Osama. "Sometimes it seems all the wickedness in it isn't completly bottled up inside the Americans. Ah, but fight I must"

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Later that evening the American heard a knock outside his cave.

"American, this is Osama Bin Laudin, Bin Laudin, the American", the boy said.

"My young friend here tells me you have no stomach for the forthcoming noble jihad", Osama began.

"If you're referring to a showdown at high noon tomorrow, no way..", the American said very matter of factly.

"Shame on you", Osama scolded. "If you're afraid to face me infidel, then you will have to run away!"

"What part of 'NO' don't you understand?", asked the American.

"You can't just stand there as I run you thropugh with the sword of truth.", Osama complained. "It will make me look like a fool. Damn you Yankee - you'll have to put on some sort of show!"

"THAT'S IT!", the boy suddenly shouted. "You both can pretend to fight."

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The next morning dawned as bright and clear as any jihad could be. Neither Osama nor the American dissapointed the crowd, especially since the American had such a rich assortment of Hollywood special effects. As planned, Osama's rubber sword of truth eventually dispatched the American menace. The fireworks show was especially nice.

The American lay prostrate in a pool of ketchup when someone in the crowd shouted, "Go on then noble night, finish it off - cut off it's head!"

Hearing this, the American bolted to his feet.

"He's back!", shrieked the woman in the shawl. "Back for shooting off people's heads!!"

"He hasn't shot off anyone's head - not a single person", shouted the boy angirly.

"He might have done - given half the chance", the old man with the beard muttered.

Osama cleared his throut loudly and then said, "My brothers, I'm sure you will find this American has learned his lesson. I'm sure you'll find he will behave himself in the future. I'm sure you'll find, ah, it's time we kill a goat and fire up the communal hooka..."

"PRAISE ALLAH!", the crowd cheered.

As the feasting began Osama adressed the crowd, "always remember to treat all people with respect. We are all brothers and, most importantly, never judge anyone or anything by his or her or its nationality".

Thus, they all learned to live together happily ever after.

Of course, this is also just a fairy tale.

Roger L. Sieloff