One spring day when the world was green and the grass was still, a shepard boy sat outside a cave tending his flock. Suddenly from inside the cave came the loudest shouting and screaming and drumming the boy ever heard. In defence of the flock, the boy crept quietly into the cave to confront whatever the menance was. There, seated in a beanbag chair amoungst two pair of quad speakers was an American!
"Hello, American", said the boy sheepishly, "I just wanted to see what was making all the noise. Where did you come from?"
"A long way from here, where all the other Americans live - but I had to get away from them you know.."
"why was that?"
"You know how Americans are, always chasing after money and then being chased by lawers, doctors and their own government. Me - I prefer a simple life and besides, the dope's alot better out here"
"I'm not sure what the village will think about you", mused the boy. "They'll probably say you're a cur and a pest and an infidel. You sir, are a enemy of the Islamic race."
"Woah - what a pile of crap!", huffed the American. "I don't have a single enemy in the entire world..."
////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
"THERE'S AN AMERICAN IN THE CAVES!!", shrieked the town crier.
"Americans shoots people's heads off!", gasped a femine voice from somewhere inside a black silk shawl.
"I'll say", wheezed an old man from beneith his grizzly white beard. "They shoots yer head off and then blows the rest of you up whole. Arms, legs, body - all with 1 bomb..."
"Fear not brothers", the Iman reassured the crowd. "I've sent for the very best American fighter there is. Three cheers for Osama Bin Laudin!"
"Praise Allah!!", shouted the crowd.
Later that evening as the village celebrated, Osama had shut himself away in solitary vigil, preparing himself for the battle to come. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
"I've come to see you about the American", said the boy.
"Is he really 45 foot tall and does he spit acid slime and shoot laser beams from his eyes?", asked Osama.
"Not at all.", said the boy. "He's a good American. A kind American. He even smokes the same brand of dope that you do. I'll bet the crowd told you how you'll win in the cause of right and honor. Just now I overheard them betting six to four on the American..."
"What a sad world", moaned Osama. "Sometimes it seems all the wickedness in it isn't completly bottled up inside the Americans. Ah, but fight I must"
/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Later that evening the American heard a knock outside his cave.
"American, this is Osama Bin Laudin, Bin Laudin, the American", the boy said.
"My young friend here tells me you have no stomach for the forthcoming noble jihad", Osama began.
"If you're referring to a showdown at high noon tomorrow, no way..", the American said very matter of factly.
"Shame on you", Osama scolded. "If you're afraid to face me infidel, then you will have to run away!"
"What part of 'NO' don't you understand?", asked the American.
"You can't just stand there as I run you thropugh with the sword of truth.", Osama complained. "It will make me look like a fool. Damn you Yankee - you'll have to put on some sort of show!"
"THAT'S IT!", the boy suddenly shouted. "You both can pretend to fight."
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
The next morning dawned as bright and clear as any jihad could be. Neither Osama nor the American dissapointed the crowd, especially since the American had such a rich assortment of Hollywood special effects. As planned, Osama's rubber sword of truth eventually dispatched the American menace. The fireworks show was especially nice.
The American lay prostrate in a pool of ketchup when someone in the crowd shouted, "Go on then noble night, finish it off - cut off it's head!"
Hearing this, the American bolted to his feet.
"He's back!", shrieked the woman in the shawl. "Back for shooting off people's heads!!"
"He hasn't shot off anyone's head - not a single person", shouted the boy angirly.
"He might have done - given half the chance", the old man with the beard muttered.
Osama cleared his throut loudly and then said, "My brothers, I'm sure you will find this American has learned his lesson. I'm sure you'll find he will behave himself in the future. I'm sure you'll find, ah, it's time we kill a goat and fire up the communal hooka..."
"PRAISE ALLAH!", the crowd cheered.
As the feasting began Osama adressed the crowd, "always remember to treat all people with respect. We are all brothers and, most importantly, never judge anyone or anything by his or her or its nationality".
Thus, they all learned to live together happily ever after.
Of course, this is also just a fairy tale.
Roger L. Sieloff
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Between the Lions
This PBS children’s program I watch with about as much enjoyment as “normal” people watch soap operas or the super bowl. What makes it especially special is the fact I get to see it only when I take time off from work. The 5 PM broadcast time coincides with my battle though traffic on the way home.
America disappoints me in the fact it does all the right things for all the wrong reasons. Educational television is perhaps the only example where this country has gotten its heart and mind in the same spot. This media is enjoyed though largely denigrated as being juvenile, all the while in a culture devoted to youth worship. Perhaps this prejustice has been its saving grace, for this is one medium where raw creativity isn’t necessarily bound to the dark powers of market forces. Hence, the product is often completely original.
The web site indicated this installment was devoted to an Irish folk tale about how all the rats were driven from Ireland – but then came back. An initial insult was eventually overcome by the rats reaffirmation of their own pride. Me thinks this speaks of the Irish sprit as well. The WEB site featured a lot of other stories and games, but no feedback. So, in impotent omnipotence, I offer the following:
Some people have dogs. Some have cats. Most have dandruff, broken dreams and creditors.
I have rats.
They quietly go about their business after the evening news wraps me in its foreboding gloom, amongst which the rats reaffirm the notion that the meek shall inherit the earth.
Content to bustle about on the perimeter of the glow my TV casts, they beg unseen for the crumbs I decently toss into the darkness as I expire amongst them in a drunken stupor. Emboldened, the dance merrily across my chest but ever mindful least their young nip a slumbering giant from its evening oblivion.
-and then, one night …
As the world went to hell and my cup went dry I chanced to see a denizen of the darkness slip into the dim phosphorescence.
“Good evening, sir”
It said in a calm and calculating voice.
Not caring if this apparition were the result of too much wine or too little sleep, I greeted the small pensive figure looming out of the darkness. Was I awake, asleep – or dead, perhaps?
“Have you come to gnaw my bones?”, I asked.
“Heavens, no”, the rat replied.
“The maggots will have to lick them clean before we show any interest in them.”
“Oh, but what a bonanza they will be”, I surmised, “I must be the size of a whale as far as you are concerned. I expect I ought to sustain at least an entire generation of rats.”
“That you will, sir”, the rat replied, “and know that we are grateful to you”. “Your bones will become the bones of our children.”
“One part of me will remain however”, I stated, “my teeth”.
“That they will”, the rat replied, “they are too hard even for a rat to gnaw; however, behold their fate..”
Saying this, the rat hopped upon my chest where I could see a gold crowned molar adorning the top of its head.
“Know you that I am rat royalty and this gold tooth is my crown. Human teeth are prized heirlooms to all rats and the most precious are silver and gold teeth.”
Saying this, the rat licked the end of my nose affectionately and dashed off into the darkness. Oblivion soon descended upon me like the late evening rain, and another rehearsal had begun for the time I slipped into sleep for the last time.
The room was still except for the painful buzz of a fly caught in some forgotten cobweb.
America disappoints me in the fact it does all the right things for all the wrong reasons. Educational television is perhaps the only example where this country has gotten its heart and mind in the same spot. This media is enjoyed though largely denigrated as being juvenile, all the while in a culture devoted to youth worship. Perhaps this prejustice has been its saving grace, for this is one medium where raw creativity isn’t necessarily bound to the dark powers of market forces. Hence, the product is often completely original.
The web site indicated this installment was devoted to an Irish folk tale about how all the rats were driven from Ireland – but then came back. An initial insult was eventually overcome by the rats reaffirmation of their own pride. Me thinks this speaks of the Irish sprit as well. The WEB site featured a lot of other stories and games, but no feedback. So, in impotent omnipotence, I offer the following:
Some people have dogs. Some have cats. Most have dandruff, broken dreams and creditors.
I have rats.
They quietly go about their business after the evening news wraps me in its foreboding gloom, amongst which the rats reaffirm the notion that the meek shall inherit the earth.
Content to bustle about on the perimeter of the glow my TV casts, they beg unseen for the crumbs I decently toss into the darkness as I expire amongst them in a drunken stupor. Emboldened, the dance merrily across my chest but ever mindful least their young nip a slumbering giant from its evening oblivion.
-and then, one night …
As the world went to hell and my cup went dry I chanced to see a denizen of the darkness slip into the dim phosphorescence.
“Good evening, sir”
It said in a calm and calculating voice.
Not caring if this apparition were the result of too much wine or too little sleep, I greeted the small pensive figure looming out of the darkness. Was I awake, asleep – or dead, perhaps?
“Have you come to gnaw my bones?”, I asked.
“Heavens, no”, the rat replied.
“The maggots will have to lick them clean before we show any interest in them.”
“Oh, but what a bonanza they will be”, I surmised, “I must be the size of a whale as far as you are concerned. I expect I ought to sustain at least an entire generation of rats.”
“That you will, sir”, the rat replied, “and know that we are grateful to you”. “Your bones will become the bones of our children.”
“One part of me will remain however”, I stated, “my teeth”.
“That they will”, the rat replied, “they are too hard even for a rat to gnaw; however, behold their fate..”
Saying this, the rat hopped upon my chest where I could see a gold crowned molar adorning the top of its head.
“Know you that I am rat royalty and this gold tooth is my crown. Human teeth are prized heirlooms to all rats and the most precious are silver and gold teeth.”
Saying this, the rat licked the end of my nose affectionately and dashed off into the darkness. Oblivion soon descended upon me like the late evening rain, and another rehearsal had begun for the time I slipped into sleep for the last time.
The room was still except for the painful buzz of a fly caught in some forgotten cobweb.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
Creative Re-Design
Yesterday’s PBS news byte featured a pair of Punch n’ Judy pundits debating evolution, but in this era of conservative doublespeak, the new ideology was something called “creative design”. This was just an old marketing trick I saw endlessly repeated all during my childhood. Sure the boxes might be as different as night and day, but inside was the same old breakfast cereal. In this case the “new and improved” product was plain old creationism, an old testament based notion that all living things came into existence in their present form. In other words, biology was as perfect and unchanging as the cosmos.
Of course, the “E” word was never mentioned. Instead the other camp had cleverly adopted a scientific approach to arguing their case. Yet again, it was the same old argument, repackaged. The rhetoric, put simply, was that dropping an egg is an accident – behold the mess; yet how could another “accident” account for the intricate complexity of the egg before it fell? This all implies some sort of intelligence underlying the design and quid pro quo, the existence of God.
I found the creationist’s choice of scientific stage props amusing. “Intelligent design” is proposed by students of biochemistry who marvel at the intricate perfection of the enzymes in body cells. Modern science (aka, “the pharmaceutical industry”), has shown enzymes are in fact tiny machines which perform their duties like billions of industrial robots. How on earth did all this come into existence? This surely implies some sort of creator…
Had these erstwhile students done their homework, they would have also seen that all living things on this planet have exactly the same carbon based biochemical pathways. All the same enzyme classes doing all the same duties. It doesn’t matter if one is a penguin or a petunia – in fact a man and a banana are 50% identical in terms of their DNA. The implication here is all life on earth is very closely related and quid pro quo, all living things are the descendants of a common ancestor. Perhaps both sides could compromise and agree that the first bacterium popped into existence from nothing, perfectly formed in 6 days by a perfectly divine creator who then took Sunday off.
Perhaps not. Ever attuned to the “dark side”, I sense its ominous presence lurking behind this fundamentalist American disdain of man being directly related to anything but his own species. America was founded on exploitation and greed which drives this society just as much as it did when the first Europeans set foot in the new world. The native population an opposite view, the earth being not only a living thing, but our own mother. Christians wrote it all off as backward paganism – polytheism and animism. To them the earth was infinitely inferior to humanity and hence, was ours to do with as we desired. The end result was just another Greek tragedy – Oedipus Ecology. Western man unwittingly rapes his own mother. Far easier to perpetrate the crime by denying who your parents are.
The ultimate irony is what the future holds for both sides of this debate as science continues to unravel the code behind nature’s design. Its only a matter or time before scientists learn to read the genetic code instead of merely being able to recite the letters. This of course will mean man himself will begin designing life as he designs bridges and buildings today. In a sense, man will usurp God. Christians can hiss and growl at this notion, comfortably mired in their animal passions, but history shows human intellect will eventually win out over fear. The proof of this is the fact humans learned to use fire.
BILLY BRAGGART: Yea, but look how destructive fire turned out ta be!
Roger L. Sieloff: Are you suggesting we abandon fire?
BILLY BRAGGART: Na, just learn to use it responcibly…
Roger L. Sieloff: How does one usurp God responcibly?
BILLY BRAGGART: IT’S NOT THE SAIME THING!!
Of course, the “E” word was never mentioned. Instead the other camp had cleverly adopted a scientific approach to arguing their case. Yet again, it was the same old argument, repackaged. The rhetoric, put simply, was that dropping an egg is an accident – behold the mess; yet how could another “accident” account for the intricate complexity of the egg before it fell? This all implies some sort of intelligence underlying the design and quid pro quo, the existence of God.
I found the creationist’s choice of scientific stage props amusing. “Intelligent design” is proposed by students of biochemistry who marvel at the intricate perfection of the enzymes in body cells. Modern science (aka, “the pharmaceutical industry”), has shown enzymes are in fact tiny machines which perform their duties like billions of industrial robots. How on earth did all this come into existence? This surely implies some sort of creator…
Had these erstwhile students done their homework, they would have also seen that all living things on this planet have exactly the same carbon based biochemical pathways. All the same enzyme classes doing all the same duties. It doesn’t matter if one is a penguin or a petunia – in fact a man and a banana are 50% identical in terms of their DNA. The implication here is all life on earth is very closely related and quid pro quo, all living things are the descendants of a common ancestor. Perhaps both sides could compromise and agree that the first bacterium popped into existence from nothing, perfectly formed in 6 days by a perfectly divine creator who then took Sunday off.
Perhaps not. Ever attuned to the “dark side”, I sense its ominous presence lurking behind this fundamentalist American disdain of man being directly related to anything but his own species. America was founded on exploitation and greed which drives this society just as much as it did when the first Europeans set foot in the new world. The native population an opposite view, the earth being not only a living thing, but our own mother. Christians wrote it all off as backward paganism – polytheism and animism. To them the earth was infinitely inferior to humanity and hence, was ours to do with as we desired. The end result was just another Greek tragedy – Oedipus Ecology. Western man unwittingly rapes his own mother. Far easier to perpetrate the crime by denying who your parents are.
The ultimate irony is what the future holds for both sides of this debate as science continues to unravel the code behind nature’s design. Its only a matter or time before scientists learn to read the genetic code instead of merely being able to recite the letters. This of course will mean man himself will begin designing life as he designs bridges and buildings today. In a sense, man will usurp God. Christians can hiss and growl at this notion, comfortably mired in their animal passions, but history shows human intellect will eventually win out over fear. The proof of this is the fact humans learned to use fire.
BILLY BRAGGART: Yea, but look how destructive fire turned out ta be!
Roger L. Sieloff: Are you suggesting we abandon fire?
BILLY BRAGGART: Na, just learn to use it responcibly…
Roger L. Sieloff: How does one usurp God responcibly?
BILLY BRAGGART: IT’S NOT THE SAIME THING!!
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