“Hell, didn’t win the state lottery this week. Say, I’ll take this hair hamburger and put this hair thing in hair and send it to th’ Indiana State Board O’ Halth. If some ol’ bitch can make a million billion dollars getting’ burned by coffee, gotdammit I can get rich too!
Gawd Bless America - YEEEE HAW!!”
200 days later, Indiana State Bored to Death –
Pat, a petite Female Irish African Native American Minority takes sample and paperwork to Ken the supervisor.
“The sheet says to test for foreign substances. Precisely WHAT foreign substances do you want me to test this for?”
At this point the monkey wrench wedged between the buns manages to make its way past the wrapper and hits the floor with a resounding clang. Muhammad alla bin Laundry, Pakistani junior chemist, ass kisser and venture capitalist smugly thinks –
“Praise Allah! I don’t have to admit to breaking the state seal!”
After considerable debate, vacillation and an afternoon catnap, a metals test is run and shows elevated, though non toxic levels of iron. The sample is deemed nutritious, delicious and one hell of a bottle opener.
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